The home strech!

So here I am tomorrow being a full 31 weeks! 2 weeks away from 8 months pregnant!!!!! How did this happen so fast!?!?! As most of you know I was recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I can't say I was to terribly shocked because I always knew my sugar levels were high due to diabetes being in my family. Still I cried for a good few days! Luckily I have a beautiful friend who just went through this and she was really able to help me get started! My fear is starting to set in. It sounds like due to all the complications Hunter maybe making his arrival in early August instead of late! My fear comes from the unknown. Will I be ready? Will I have everything I need? Will I be good at it? What if there's a problem and I can't take care of him for a while? What if he goes through withdrawals due to the meds I'm on? Worst off what if we have to take him a little early and his holes in his heart aren't closed up? This is exhausting! Yet I can't help to have it on my mind constantly. I'm in the "danger" phase of the pregnancy. If heart failure hits it will be any time from now. The funny thing is, I don't care if it happens to me but I'm more worried about how it would affect me caring for my son after he is born. I can tell the difference for sure as my fluid increases. My heart has palpitations way more offten, even just sitting here. I get dizzy everytime I stand, and going out without my wheelchair is out of the question because its my security to sit down when I feel the blood moving from my head. With the diabetes too it made me laugh a little because the doctor told me stress and pain will keep my blood sugar high. "Well silly doctor," I said, "I have a kidney stent, I am in pain everyday!" His response? "Yeah I thought about that, don't worry if need be we can always do insulin" yeah that's my idea of a good time! Its a good thing I have no problems with needles. So Isaac and I are doing our best to keep my stress and pain as manageable as possible. Ill admit the last few days have been awful! My pain is caused by him growing and sitting on the stent in my bladder and kidney (which I knew would happen). The worst part is the mental game. I have to take more pain killers to get comfortable, which only makes me feel like a failure because I don't want to have to take drugs. I should be able to handle it. Its silly I know but its my mind set. The funny thing about all this is I would do it 100 times again! When I'm in horrible pain instead of crying out I close my eyes, take deep breaths, and thank God for the pain because its all part if this blessed process. I recently had a person who is no longer welcomed in our life make a comment on Facebook. He said something along the lines of " why risk your life for a baby?" My response was anger immediately. First off I'm pregnant! Its not like I can do anything about it now. Second off my husband and I were meant to be parents and I would never deprive him from that joy. Third if I listened everytime a medical professional said "well this could happen...." then I would not be anywhere near where I am today. If ultimately my condition will take my life then what was the point of getting a pacemaker? I hope you see my point. If my cardiologist came to me 2 years ago when we first talked about getting pregnant and she told me " if you do this you may not walk away alive from this" then that would be a completely different story but she didn't. Granted there aren't really any cases like mine to compare to but when I asked my doctor her response was "I say lets go for it, I am thrilled and ready to walk this journey with you!" We truly had no idea what to expect with this pregnancy. But I have never let fear rule my life. I know alot of people, probably most of you have asked or thought "why would you do this with the risk involved and the unknown?" Well my answer to that is A: its an unknown. I also have faith in Jesus our Lord and he is the one who controls my life. If it wasn't meant to be it wouldn't have been. B: you guys, if you could see my heart you would see that I was meant to be a mommy. I was meant to hold a baby in my body and feel that life twist and turn and in return giving me more life! I wish you could see my soul that says "I want to produce a child with my eyes or Isaac's lips" my life would feel incomplete if it wasn't full of a child's laughter, if there were no little hands to hug me, or the future driving lessons, or the meeting of a new girlfriend, or being the mother of the groom. My life, my heart, my soul is poured into this baby before he was even conceived and if you knew that you wouldn't ask why. I'm sorry this is so long and I thank you for letting me put my heart out there! I'm also touched by out turn out for the baby shower and truly blessed to have you all in my life. Thank you for coming! I am rich because I have the love you all give to me and my growing family! Im having a weak moment and difficult time today with the burning pain. I pray and ask for strength. My body is sore, tired, and pushed to its limit. But my heart, mind, and souls is at peace, excited, and blessed! Much love Hunter's mommy

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2